Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
