Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
