Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
