Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
