I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
