I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
