I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I think a kid would responsible me up
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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