I cannot find my penis.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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