hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
