My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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