what day is it and did you see me today?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
