you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
How does one acquire holy water?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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