She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
