i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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