Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
