he wants to bone in the snuggie
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
