turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
