So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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