So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
