Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
there was a trapeze. enough said
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
