NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
