The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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