well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
