I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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