The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
