I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
