fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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