Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
