there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
