I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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