we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
