Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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