tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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