Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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