Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
