Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
