im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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