Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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