I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
