just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
