I am midnight drunk by noon
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
