How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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