if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Let's get the cat blown out
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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