my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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