And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
