This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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