If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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