these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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