Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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