I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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