i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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