Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
