I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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