Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
