giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
