@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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