I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
