Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
