I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
