so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
